I feel lost. Not in a terrible black hole sort of way, but in a 'The World is my oyster' kind of way. My fifth year of University was supposed to be a year of clarity for me, to give me some perspective and time to make a decision about what I was going to do for the next year. And up until recently I was pretty set on going to Korea to teach English. However, I can't help but feel that going to Korea isn't quite right for me. It's imperialistic and the only reason that I can go is because I'm a white person from Canada, and no matter the experiences I could have, the people I could meet, or the money I could make I can't feel good about it. I don't judge others who go because God knows I've got a Student Loan, and I know the upcoming pressure of trying to pay that off.

So, I'm left in the same predicament that I was in at the end of my fourth year. The thing is I love Fredericton. I really do, it's a small, accessible, and friendly town to live in. I'm extremely happy here. And with the kinds of things I want to do in my life it seems that Fredericton is perfect. I care about education, homelessness and youth and I feel that I can make some real changes here because of the city's size, the net working opportunities and because all three levels of government are available here which is supremely ideal.

However,I'm surrounded by lovely people going off and doing really incredible things, I feel that in some ways my decision to stay might be perceived as or truly based on my fear to move on. I think that's an interesting idea, "moving on", but "from what?" I might ask. I'm open to going anywhere, but if I'm going to move it's going to be for something that I really love and want to do, not for the sake of moving just to say that I'm doing something. New Brunswick, or the Maritimes essentially is a place where people yearn to leave and prove something to. But as I grow older and visit other places it's becoming quite clear to me that this place has a certain quality that is unique and something people can't seem to forget even after they have left.

It's not that I don't want to move to other places, because the argument could be made that if I already know I love it here, why not see about other places, I mean I could always come back. But why leave if you're not unhappy? I'm not sure what the balance is between seeing what else is out there and staying where you are. Both obviously should be exercised with caution. And something else I have to keep reminding myself is that I'm 23. I'm a spring chicken and most people live well into their 80's now anyways, so why do I have to decide anything right now? But with the passing of someone my own age lately it's really pushing me to question what it is that I'm doing with my life?

I do want more schooling, and I will go back. But I'm burnt out. I'm tired of people evaluating me all the time and always feeling guilty for work that I'm not doing. I also want to apply my knowledge to real life situations before I go on because I feel in my future job interests there has to be a compliment between idealism and pragmatism in order to be the most effective. So I need to find these jobs to give me the experience, but it's hard to do when you've just 'just a BA' under your belt.

Anyways, I'm in a standstill and feel an enormous pressure that is only being put on by myself. I wonder why it is that people do that. It's as if we have someone watching our every move chiding us or pushing us to do things based on what we think others think of ourselves. But really who cares? To each their own. Now, I just need to figure out what 'my own' is.

I don't understand a lot of things in life. Like, why is it that new cloth 'environmentally friendly" bags are being made in the same exorbitant amounts as plastic bags, are made by children and then shipped over here, but are "environmental"? But a bigger question I ask is why was Bob Saget on Full House? I think it's a pretty valid question, particularly if you've ever seen anything by Bob Saget in terms of his stand up comedy. Not only is it dirty, but it's vulgar to the point where I'm so taken aback that the only question I can ask is how was this man portrayed as a lovable, geeky single father of three girls? It's shocking, but not only was he Danny Tanner, but he was also on America Funniest Home Videos.I just...I can't get my mind around it.

The last little while has got me thinking about LJ, I mean there are things on here that I don't really talk to people about, which is weird in itself, because I write them knowing people will read them, but don't talk about them out loud. Maybe it's because I believe the things I write are quite boring in some ways, so if I write about them, it gives you the choice to read them or not, where as saying them out loud doesn't really give you an opportunity to not participate within my thought processes. I remember having a conversation with Stu when we talked about knowing things about people without really knowing them and whether that would be helpful or not when getting to know someone, because there are things I'd sure as hell like to know about a person before really getting to know them that would make me a better friend, listener whatever. On Livejournal there are friends on my list that know next to nothing about me in person, but know a great deal about me in terms of my postings. It seems to be strange disconnection between what people know about me through interaction, or through the information I choose to identify about myself. To be fair some people know both, but in a lot of cases, they don't really.

Not much is going on lately, alot of it is internal, I mean I probably do more thinking in a minute than a lot of people do in an hour. This is not at all a blow at other people, but merely an example of how neurotically ADHDish my mind is. The year ahead frightens me to death. I actually get a little sick when I think about it, which is irrational, but none the less I worry about what the next year holds for me. I'm a whole lot better than I was a few months ago, and it helps to have people around that also have no idea what they're doing, and are just hoping it works out somehow. I'm nervous to be on STU's campus, because I'm scared I may have made a mistake. I really, really want to write this thesis, but on the other hand, I feel too old, and I also am not really in a financial position to take on a fifth year. But this is really something I want to prove to myself, to stop talking about how "nonacademic" I am, and just put the time into something I'm passionate about and just do it. Even though I hate the idea of grades, and the obsession that people have with them, I am going to prove to myself that I am grad school material, and that I am capable of getting straight As. I'm also not going to burn out like I have before, and admit to myself that I'm only one person and that I have limits meaning I have to learn how to say 'no' which I have to admit I'm doing a lot better with, so progress is being made. I have a lot to prove to myself next year, and even though I'm scared to death, I'm strangely pumped to do it.

It looks like I'll be leaving my apartment, now, I know that most people get nostalgic when they leave somewhere they've been living because of the memories, the attachments, blah, blah, blah but I really feel like I grew up a lot in that apartment. And it feels like a friendly little place on a corner where you can see the most beautiful sunsets and rises because there are so many windows, I also love my office, I've spent many a night there writing papers furiously just to see the man who owns the Lebanese store across the street work harder than I've ever seen anyone work, up at the crack of dawn, closed at the sunset. Anyways, I'm just being childish about it, I've got places to go that would be absolutely lovely and I'd be lucky to live there, it's just...well I don't want to go. I think I'm beginning to slowly realize adult life. I'm not sure exactly what I mean by this, but I'm just getting this sense within in me, that things are changing in such a way that I'm not comfortable with. And whenever I'm not comfortable I know I'm just making adjustments that I need to to adapt to what's coming.

So, anyways yeah that's my post, things that have been bugging me for the last while, not bugging, but have been crowding my brain.

Let's not kid ourselves, if there is one show on TV that gets the shaft it's Frasier.

It's like that friend who is always a good time, and you'll most definitely hang out with when you see them, but never ever make plans with them. Bascially they're out of sight out of mind.

I have never once noted in my life when Fraiser was on. I can tell you right now what time and what channels Seinfeld is on, in less than a second, but as for 'Frasier', I have no sweet clue, I couldn't tell you. And quite frankly, I feel this is no longer acceptable.

I mean let's look at the show, it was a spinoff. A SPINOFF, now we only need to look at 'Joey' to look at how pathetic and tragic spinoffs usually are. But Frasier even coming from a TV classic 'Cheers' really managed to get its' act together. In fact I prefer the show to 'Cheers'. It has this amazing array of diverse characters that really bring their 'A' game to funny, I'm pretty sure it was on for a decade. And I can't give it one day? I just don't think that's fair.

So here it is, I'm going to say it right here right now, 'Frasier' (the show not the character) I'm sorry that I ignored you, and I'm going to make some better life choices that include you in it.

I've had my livejournal since I was the ripe old age of 18 years old. I think that's a pretty long time to have a LJ. However, as I grow older and read the blogs of my friends, I think to myself, perhaps I should get a blog? Now Lillian, my friends would say, you NEVER update, so why make the switch, you would only be never updating on another type of journal, so what's the difference? I feel like LJ is a dying breed, when I see the blog design I think hmm that's quite classy, and clean cut. Where as the LJ is an older, not as crisp looking website. But is that reason enough to leave it? That's a good and important question, one I don't even have a right to entertain right now, but am choosing as a legitimate way of procrastinating my work. So should I stay or should I go? And to add, I think my not being in school next year and potentially being in another place with no friends should make me a regular poster much like Mike Morrison, so there's something to look forward to. I won't have any social life, but my god will my grandchildren have something to read when I die.

So, in all the months of the year, March has always, always been one of my least favourite months. Everyone seems to be cranky, tired of the winter and just in crunch time for school whether it be in University or other wise. However, when walking home yesterday I was reminded of something I had completely forgotten about. And this is the smell of March. This is not to be confused with the smell of April, which is not at all a good smell and is often romaticized as the "smell of spring" which it is, but is not at all something we should be bottling and selling as perfume since it's basically the earth opening itself up and leaves the air smelling like manure. Essentially, the smell of March is the smell of melting snow. Which I think is one of the most loveliest smells that there can ever be. It sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise, it makes you happy to walk and leaves your head out high instead of buried in your scarf. I actually realized that yesterday I find that moments like that are much better than any moment in the summer, or in the fall. Because on nights in July, or nights in October, I find myself saddening because I know those moments are short lived and that cold times are just around the corner which makes those times hard to enjoy. However, moments like the smell of March are completely wonderful because you have the whole spring, summer and fall ahead of you to look forward to, and that it's almost a whole year before you have to put up winter and all the terrible things it brings.
Anyways, all I'm really asking is the next time the air is pretty mild, and this smell stops you suddenly in your tracks, it's the smell of March. Stop, breathe and just enjoy it, I assure you that it will make you nostaligic and happy to be alive.

I really want you to think about an encounter between Larry David and Woody Allen, a conversation if you will. It's so uncomfortable and awkward to think about it makes you want to bury your head beneath your turtleneck, however intriguring enough to make you peek your head out and laugh. HARD. Best thought I had all day. Seriously, think about it.

So, I'm supposed to be working on my LAST paper that I just can't seem to plow through, but I can't get something off of my mind.

When I was working last week at ROOTS, I was folding some t-shirts when I heard the song 'Santa Baby' play in the store. Now, I know we've all heard the song plenty of times in our lifetimes, some of us (including myself) sing along, trying to convinve ourselves that we can make our voices as husky as Marilyn Munro or Madonna. But here's the thing, has anyone listened to the lyrics? The song is about seducing Santa. Santa Claus, who is old, travels quite a bit, and is married. The girl seems to be okay with these barriers. She's like hey, I still find you sexy even though you're 107 years old, I like the fact that you travel a lot because it means you're worldly and that I don't have to make a commitment, I'll settle for the yearly one night stand, and I don't care about Mrs. Claus, I can offer you things she doesn't as long as you bring me a duplex, a deed to a platnium mine and a convertible, oh and a ring (what kind of ring? not a phonecall, that's all she says about it) Now, that's quite a loaded song. What's hard to differentate during this song is whether Santa is sleeping around while he drops off presents, or this women has pretty detailed fantasies about Santa, I'm not sure what's worse. So, there you have it, "Santa Baby", a holiday fav...

So it's been a hectic week to say the least, but today as I walked down the stairs of George Martin Hall I stopped. I love Christmas Time. I really, particularly when they are joined with my favourite night of the week, Sunday. Sunday nights in December are charmingly beautiful. Breathtaking if I may say so. I just stopped in the courtyard and looked at the trees lit up with lights and I just stopped. I love when the air is crisp, not windy, but crisp, so that you can hear everything sround you. I love feeling my cheeks getting rosy and feeling cozy with my coat, mittens and scarf. It really just made my month.

December is wonderful also, because of Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald, now if you know me, then you know my love/obsession for those two. Really only when they sing together though, I can't stand to hear them apart because it's heartbreaking. They're just two people that should sing together constantly because of the joy they bring others. I don't think two artists were ever more perfectly suited to each other. Anyways, last night I met this guy at Matt when I was chaperoning (man that makes me feel old to say) for a youth mini camp this weekend, anyways he was telling me that his grandparents saw Louie in Ontario, but what's even better about that is when Louie would have breaks during his shows, he would go outside and play for people who couldn't afford to go in and see the show. Isn't that simply wonderful? I was so touched when I heard that, so Louie isn't just a wonderful musician, but thoughtful, what a winning combination.

Also, speaking os Sexy music, when I was at work today, I heard this song by "Sting". Now, it's the same one that "Union" his duet with Black Eyed peas, but it's the old version with completely different lyrics. I want to know the name of that song because the music is stunning. The song I think is about him being in India, but there's a saxaphone in the background and it's proabably one of the most gorgeous melodies I've ever heard.

So things that make me overwhelmingly content, December, Sundays, and Music. Oh and you. Yes you.

So if you've spoken to me in the last couple of months, I've been going through the graduating student freak out. The "Oh my God what the hell do I do with the rest of my life" syndrome. This is the beginning of the end. Well, particualy this week. If I make it out of this week alive, and have everything passed in to the person who needs it, then I will be a success. If not...well I'll get back to you.